It Is REAL Damn Hard Being Me
75
I’ve got a split personality that keeps on haunting me.
It causes me to change from good to bad.
And when I am good, I am very good and when I am bad, I am a very ugly, cruel and vicious beast.
Now, over the years, I have been the beast far more often than I have been good. And on those frequent occasions when I am the beast, I am manipulative, I lie and tell plenty of tall tales, I am combative, I quickly lose my temper, I am grandiose and boastful, I grandstand and cockily strut around with a swagger, I am discourteous towards others and spew a lot of insults, I constantly come off like a know-it-all, I am a motor-mouth who hardly ever allows anyone else to get in a word in edgewise, and I am a down-right, all-around unlikeable person.
The way that I have been behaving here on HubPages during the past month or so is a perfect example of just how badly I conduct myself when I am the beast.
In December, 2011, I started writing and publishing hubs about, and connected to, the current Republican-presidential-nomination process.
Well, whenever I drop my guard or disregard my troubled mental and emotional history, my talking or writing about politics has the same effect on me that the appearance of a full moon has on a fictional character who is a werewolf. Immediately, I undergo a radical transformation and change from being a cordial, mild-mannered person to being a very ugly, cruel and vicious beast.
Yes, in December, 2011, the beast in me came out and took full possession of my heart, mind, body and soul. I started doing such things on HubPages as telling little white lies and big black ones, exaggerating and embellishing, pouncing on others just for the sake of doing so, and trying the tear all of the flesh from the bones of anyone who “dared” to voice opposition to my views.
In fact, things got so bad I ended up wandering into one of the most, if not THE most, dangerous neighborhoods in Hub City -- the forums in which the topics are abortion and whether or not God exists.
Because I had become the beast, I was driven to venture into those unseemly areas of town, because I hungered for the rowdy action that goes on in those places and also because I had a strong and uncontrollable urge to get into some knock-down, drag-out, no-holds-barred fist fights.
Additionally, I left comments on the pages of other hubbers in which I did such things as “exaggerate the truth” and boast about some of the “important things” that I USED TO DO in political campaigns, the U.S. Army and the corporate world.
And because of my recent behavior here on HubPages, I am ashamed and embarrassed and I am certain that I turned off a number of my hub-friends.
In summation, because I have a split personality that often causes me to change from good to bad, it is REAL damn hard being me.
Praise Jesus.
In late 2009, I made the decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of Jesus and, ever since then, everything has been continually improving for me.
Presently, and because I have surrendered to Jesus, I get along a whole lot better with my fellow human beings than I used to. I am effectively dealing with my boxcar load of insecurities that frequently cause me to exaggerate about my accomplishments and to grandstand and exhibit grandiose behavior. I do a lot more listening than talking. And my cockiness and know-it-all attitude has been replaced by a sense of humility and an awareness that I do not know everything there is to know.
However, due to the fact that I am nothing more than a mere human being, and a lowly sinner at that, there are those times when I snatch my will away from Jesus and decide to go about the business of conducting my life, all on my own. And every time I do that, I rapidly transform into the very ugly, cruel and vicious beast. I return to the ways of operating that have always gotten me into a whole lot of trouble.
On the other hand, my deep and unwavering faith in Jesus has caused me to see this last episode of bad behavior on my part for what it actually is.
You see, this time, Jesus gave me a very long length of rope and allowed me to go out there and hang myself. He patiently stood by while I behaved like a jerk here on HubPages and made a complete fool of myself. In His Infinite Wisdom, He knew that in order for me to be “all I can be,” I must first experience some heavyweight trials and tribulations.
And I got the message. Yes, Lord, I certainly did get the message.
Now, I know, or have been reminded, that flying solo will not get me anywhere and will only cause me to crash and burn. I am aware that if I do not hurry up and clean up my act, I will be useless when it comes to helping to preserve the well-being of my country and making constructive contributions to its continued advancement.
Thus, from this point on, and while going about it one day at a time, I am going to constantly pray to Jesus to keep me on the straight and narrow. Throughout each day, I am going to keep it in mind that I am one of His Christian Soldiers. And I am also going to keep it in mind that between now and November, 2012, I have a whole lot of work to do, such as doing every thing I can to help to get one of the greatest enemies America has ever had, Barack Obama, kicked out of the White House.
What you are witnessing here is my turning over a new leaf. Effective immediately, I am going to stop blazing my own trails and I am also going to stop allowing myself to be taken in and guided by the dark forces of The Universe.
I am turning to Jesus, and staying with Him, for the purpose of bringing an end to the situation that causes it to be real damn hard being me.
I am on a mission to make it real damn easy being me.
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I think that we all have those problems in the political area. There isn't much middle ground with the left these days. I find very little that I can compromise with them on. It does bring out the worst in everyone, and eventually I wonder why we bother debating about trivial things such as politics when the message of salvation in the Lord Jesus Christ is so much more important. Thank you for the great hub. Voted up, awesome!
Hello, Wayne,
Thank you for your very thoughtful comment.
And yes, self-inventory is very important, when it comes to effectively dealing with the problems and illnesses that are affecting us.
Hello, michiganman,
What a terrific comment you sent to me. It is very consoling and it also gave me a great big lift.
And thank you very much for the vote and the compliment.
I think you are just great! You display honesty, courage and a need for your Savior. Your example may help others to do the same. Your hub held my attention from beginning to end. Voted up!
vocalcoach~
Hello, vocalcoach,
Thank you very much for your generous and encouraging comment. And receiving such high compliments from a very-good writer like you are is indeed an honor.
This is so awesome
Why thank you very much, Deborah.
feenix, just be honest with yourself and write what is on your heart! Let the chips fall.
God has allowed you to gain all sorts of wisdom and the ability to share it...stay focused on God.
I have been and will continue to be a feenix fan...I think you have so much to offer.
Chris
I think that you truly showed your soul and we all have our demons, there are topics I can get real ugly about also and I have to check it at the door sometimes. Great Hub.
Feenix, I read on in a slight phase of amusement at some of the things I've read, but I knew some where all up in that mess was a guy who walked, a guy I know, Lets call him Bill,
and he used to tell me about what he called a dry drunk, the kinda guy that was harboring anger, a guy who'd set on a hill in a beautiful forest over looking a nudist colony and instead of saying what a view, he'd say something messed up to the one setting next to him, "you know what?, I hate you and every fucking tree in this forest"then a day came he made some amends and became a good polite listener just waiting for folks to reach the light switch, after walking that path himself. I thank you for always treating him with respect,
Peace,
dusty
Feenix, I think you're courageous to face your own demons. Most people never do. And I am going to make a suggestion, based on my own similar experiences and something I learned some years ago: our deities may want us to be firm in our convictions but just not fanatics about trying to convince others to agree with us. In other words, we can make the most articulate, well-researched and well-spoken argument about any subject, e.g.: why chocolate chip cookies are the best darned cookies under the sun and why peanut butter cookies just suck butt in comparison. But there will ALWAYS be those peanut butter cookie fanatics that will spend umpteen hours of umpteen days arguing why chocolate cookie lovers are advocates of evil. Getting in a word-debate about the subject accomplishes nothing but wasting time. But, if you write a Hub (or otherwise post) your own beliefs in the value of chocolate chip cookies and ignore the cookie pundits this is going to be, in the end, more valuable than any word-debate. Why? Because someone who hasn't made up their mind yet will come and read your Hub and just perhaps walk away thinking about the matter. We can't make the diehard believer ever think or re-consider an alternative view. The best we can do is say what we have to say and ignore those who would rather waste time than pursue a life beyond keyboard arguments.
I don't always agree with your views, but I enjoy reading them. Please don't let the word and time wasters stop you from writing.
Feenix --- Sounds to me like you've not only found the right path but gone through the gate and closed it behind you -- right on. There's none among us who hasn't experienced at least some of what you describe whether we admit it or not -- because we're only humans. Keep writing, my friend as you have a lot to share with the rest of us. Best, Sis
It takes old fashioned, unadulterated guts to look at yourself honestly in the mirror. Jesus is with you. It shows. Thank you so much for sharing this. I don't know what's up with the synchronicity around here lately, but here on this hub, it's happened again. The Lord truly does know all and work in ways so mysterious as to never be understandable to me, and that's OK. March on Christian soldier, march on! You are never alone.
feenix: I believe that we all everyone of us have that bad side of us lurking just under our skin awaiting for the chance to escape. Everyday is a struggle for us to refuse to unlock that door and free them. Jesus is the holder of the key for that door and he will keep it locked if we ask him to do so.
Dear Feenix. I think most of us here have found ourselves wandering around Hubpages forums too much at times. It begins with feeling the rush of intense debate, then after a while you start to feel a little exposed, and then it's the feeling of knowing you've said too much or even begun to say anything to win the argument. I know exactly how you feel. It's a bit like gossiping. It feels so good at the time and so terrible afterwards.
Every day is new start don't forget and you're probably not half so bad as you think you are. I personally think you're great!I'm comforted to know I'm not the only one that feels like you.
Lizzie
Hello, CM, my very good friend
First, I am very grateful to you for your encouraging and uplifting comment. After reading it, I really did feel inspired.
And, Chris, I want you to know that you are "one of the lights of my life." Not only are you a friend, you are one of my very special and best friends.
Hello, Leaderofmany,
Thank you very much for leaving your consoling comment, and I am always glad to hear from you.
And those demons are a real "pain," aren't they.
Hey, 50,
While I was writing this hub, I had you in mind because I knew you would be able to identify with what I am saying.
I, like many other "friends of Bill," am often a "dry drunk." Even though I don't have a drop of alchohol in me, sometimes I behave as though I've just chugged down an entire liter of 100-proof Wild Turkey.
And, 50, I consider you to be my "unofficial sponsor," and that is because you always provide me with encouraging words and a lot of constructive insights.
Well, hello, Beth,
What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. I thought that right about now, you would be inside a quaint little cottage atop the White Cliffs of Dover, hammering out your latest manuscript on one of those old-school Royal typewriters.
And you do not always agree with me? How dare you. You must not know who I am and that I am the most brilliant dude on the planet.
Seriously, my very good friend, thank you very much for your words of encouragement. And because I have loyal and terrific supporters like you, I would not even dream of departing from this site.
Thank you so very much for being my friend.
Hey, Angela,
Even though we have not known each other a very long time, I love you very much -- and that is because I really do like your style and I can tell that you are "genuine."
And you and I are sort of neighbors because many of my folks reside in the area of the country that spans from Houston/Galveston/Beaumont to Lake Charles/Houma/New Orleans.
Hello, my very dear friend, Vix,
What a terrific and uplifting comment you sent my way. While reading it, I great big smile came over my face and a feeling of contentment came over me.
Also, I was reminded of how glad I am that we met each other here on HubPages. I really do love the way you are.
Hey, Dave, my brother,
It is so good to hear from you, because you are one of The Holy Messengers who delivers The Word of The Lord to me.
And one of the things that helps me to effectively deal with the struggles that I am always going through is having a terrific Brother in Christ like you in my life.
Hello, lizzieBoo, my wonderful one,
Every time I receive a communication from you, I can feel the warmth and the love that you are sending to me.
There may be a grand ocean separating us from one another but when I hear from you, I always feel as though you and I are standing face-to-face.
Feenix, I consider you a very good friend. And I don't abandon my friends, so no worry. And thank you for everything.
Btw, the old Royal is at my folks' house, somewhere in the attic I think. How did you know that's what I started on? Wow!
Hugs!
Hi, Beth,
As far as I am concerned, a writer isn't a writer unless he/she started out on a Royal. ;-)
Feenix! What can I say my dear friend? I love you, man!
Hi feenix! Hey you know what, I think sometimes everyone gets some pent up anger and it needs to be released! Sure sometimes in all of us it comes out NOT SO PRETTY...
But ok, you hung yourself, you came back to life, and maybe it'll happen again, but maybe you'll just say you're angry about something RIGHT THEN rather than letting it get pent up and bursting you into Mr. Werewolf! :)
The last hub I wrote was my attempt to get people to start from another part of our world to change the werewolves into teddy bears so we could have a more caring WORLD. (if you note, nobody GOT IT! Well except one person I actually had read it right here at my house.)
While we do need to focus on our own Nation in this election year, the world is a part of how things can go either good or bad and we have one year (their mourning period - America's election year) to really make some changes.
I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason, so maybe your OG (other guy) needed to come out and shout that you're HERE AND HAVE THINGS TO SAY AND NOBODY IS LISTENING!
It takes one big man to say the things you've said here, and personally I think you need to remember that the world needs those who will occasionally let the beast out. After all, didn't Jesus get angry and run the people who abused the holy home out? Yes I believe he did. Anger is a normal human reaction and it's not an unforgivable sin so please don't be too hard on yourself!
I'm glad to know if it's needed, you're going to stand up and fight for what's right in the long run, not stand back and blend into the crowd.
Peace be with you, all of our hubs aren't about "writing" some are just about "us as humans."
-Kat
Hey, Dex,
I really do love you, too. You're my brother.
Hi, Kat,
What a wonderful and uplifting comment you sent to me, and it provides plenty of constructive insights.
And, yes, I do believe that everything that happens to us -- including both positive and negative -- happen for a reason.
It is just that, sometimes, we fail to recognize the lesson or message that is being delivered to us.
Well, this time, I did get the message and I am going to do my best not to forget it.
Feenix, I got to go feed my critters and myself. I'd like to be in New York City and use my card for the subway and rid down to Grand Central Station with you and hit the fine restaurant and buy you dinner. Last time I was there they were just about finished remodeling the place and I can't remember the name of the place but had some gooood lobster and fixings and there is a host of places just as good.
I have enjoyed your strait up writings even some that many folks may not have liked, I figure we both paid the price for admission to the Constitutional rights.
That said, Bro' Dave puts out from the heart and not overlooking folks but we are all family and related, I learned that it's easy to love each and every one it's the things they do or say that make the ride bumpy, and you have never been a stumbling block to me. I'm going to try for a NYC trip this fall and if it happens I definitely want to see you, I'll room at 96th and Park I think that's right. I'm going to visit Breakfast Pop as well. She does a breakfast column Mon.to Fri. and throws down some good politics and it's a good place to have coffee and then go to the "virtual bar" as a closing fun comments. I didn't make it today 'cuz hub pages can't get their notifications right, here is todays bit,http://breakfastpop.hubpages.com/hub/A-Bubble-O-7-
Much Peace and blessing filled with love,
Dusty
Hey, 50,
The remodeling of Grand Central has been completed for quite some time now, and I think the restaurant you're talking about is Michael Jordan's place. I'm not sure what the exact name of it is but it is on the mezzanine and overlooks the entire station.
And 96th & Park is not far from where I live at all, so I can hardly wait for you to arrive here in the fall. We'll have a great time -- a couple old vets getting together.
And thank you for sending me the link to breakfastpop's hub. I am going over there right now.
Feenix: I believe it was Dianna Ross who sang it best, "You've Got a Friend" You will always have a friend and brother in Our Lord Jesus and you will always have a friend and brother in me, Dave Mathews.
If that song were to be given another title I feel it would be named "JESUS SONG".
Hello, Dave,
Our Lord Jesus certainly is my friend and always will be.
And one of the things that makes it so worthwhile for me to be a member of HubPages is I have you for my very good friend and brother.
I love you, Dave.
It takes a very big man to admit such faults. We were created with the allowance to make our own decisions. Unfortunately, carnal man seldom makes the right one, and most never admit it. I have a lot of respect for you in regards to your military service. Thanks for that. Thanks also for reminding me that the beast can be tamed.
Hi Feenix,
None of us are perfect.
Remember God's love lives in your heart. Let him keep out that beast.
Voted up and awesome.
Have a good weekend my friend.
Feenix,
LHM, you amaze me, my man!
This took some brass to produce. :)
It seems due to my overflowing schedule of late, which has kept me to minute and miniscule hub-hopping, I've missed the werewolf's posts.
However, I've read this one, and in the here and now, that's what matters.
In the here and now, feenix inspires me to do better, be better, gain more understanding, be more appreciative, and I have great respect and affection for him.
I'm so sorry you've had a difficult time of it lately, but I still see the glow on the eastern horizon. :)
femme
Hey, Kevin,
Over the years, I have learned that a little honest self-evaluation is good for the soul.
And so far as my military service for my country, the pleasure was all mine.
Hi, Sueswan,
First, I really do like your new avatar. Now, I am giving some very serious thought to taking the Greyhound to Toronto. ;-)
Seriously, thank you very much for your generous and encouraging comment.
It is really a privilege having you as one of my good friends here on HubPages.
Hey, femme,
You are one of the contributors to this site who light up my life.
Whenever you leave a comment on one of my pages, it gives me a great big lift.
And I am in the process of working on "our project," if you know what I mean.
This is a very cool article that I think almost anyone can relate to
Hello, ChinaDoll,
First, welcome to HubPages. Second, I am very pleased to have made your acquaintance.
And thank you very much for your supportive comment. I really do appreciate it.
Feenix, And I thought that all you conservative types were this way. Rest assured, as far as I am concerned you are forgiven...
Hello, Cred,
Good to hear from you, my friend.
And perhaps you're right. My being conservative just might be at the root of my radical mood swings. ;-)
Give 'em steel man!
Nice, moving Hub Mr.Feenix.
I would get that Jekyll & Hyde thing working when I took certain "medication" back in the day. I was, in a word, a dick.
Now I'm cool, and all is well. Later.
Hey, napetv,
Thank you very much for your supportive comment. It really did give me a big lift.
And yeah, those meds ...
I've actually considered asking you to delete at least one of my comments on one of your hubs.
I about decided that it's best to forget about it, and let it lie. I don't mind having had said some stupid or hateful or just wrong things - I'm sure I'll still do that sort of thing time and time again, but I hope it becomes less frequent.
So far as Jesus goes - you and I are not much different in age on that deal.
I'm not too evangelical, but ....I mostly do my talking on Facebook where I somehow or another get included in most debate groups, and every atheist seems to want to be my "friend" so as to debate with me (I get headaches from that, honestly)....and I don't tolerate defamation of the name "Jesus." I don't mind criticism of Christianity - it's deserved, but what people calling themselves "Christians" do can't be tied to Jesus when it's something harmful.
Hey, Wesman,
Thank you very much for your supportive comment.
You know, I have decided to do two things concerning my having "discussions" with atheists:
(1)Every time one of them jumps on my case for believing in God or criticizes Christianity to me, I am just going to tell them go away and leave me alone (wording it in a way that will make it look like I am being stalked and harassed).
(2) I am going to do my best to refrain from responding to hubs and comments in which some atheist expresses something that I deeply disagree with or that I consider to be insulting in some way or the other.
I believe that doing those things will spare my circulatory system from a lot of wear and tear.
fee-nix; Sounds like BS to me. Just the average Jon Doe with a fictive pen;living in a society without a sense of community has us all baying at the moon.
Hello, niall,
Oh wow, man, and here I was thinking that everything was going swimmingly between you and me.
Anyway, my eyes always get moist when I see one of my fellow Americans exercising his/her right to free speech.
It is not easy being me, to be human is to have both dark and light thoughts and actions. Self interest Vs. Compassion and endless battle within the psyche is the struggle for life's victory, win some lose some.
feenix; we may differ at time with tactics but our stratagem remains the same. Your insights have value.
Hello, niall,
Thank you very much for your kind and supportive comment.
You know, about all I am is a person who is struggling to keep it together, one day at a time.
Wow, man. I can surely relate with what you're saying. People in the real world know me as fun, funny, calm, and happy. But oft times I do not come across that way on HubPages. I am offended at untruth—far too offended for my britches. I am going to take your message to heart. And I appreciate you making me reflect on it. Well done. God Bless You.
Hey, James,
Because of the kind of stuff I write, I have gotten "tested" numerous times during my 10 months on HubPages -- and on numerous occasions, I failed miserably.
I frequently lost my temper, I got into a number of long, drawn-out back-and-forths with hubbers who attacked me (especially atheists), and on many days, I would "walk into HubPages with 'attitude'."
However, ever since Jesus guided me to write and publish this hub, none of the above happens anymore. And I am taking it one day at time.
Each day, I ask Jesus to grant me the strength and the serenity to deal with whatever might come my way around here.
P.S. Nowadays, when some hubber sends me a comment that really pisses me off, I take a long time out before responding to it. And during those times out, I often decide not to respond at all.
Feenix, I take my hat off to you for this great hub! I was very impressed by your hubs on the abortion insurance issue and your anger-management "had to go to Vietnam," but the presidential candidate hubs put me off, and I didn't want to get into an argument with you by trying to address some of your statements. So I'm very glad to read this hub--you are so open about yourself and your past and present, and so courageous in baring your soul this way. Kudos! I voted this hub up, awesome, and beautiful.
I salute you as a fellow Christian and look forward to reading your future hubs. May Jesus continue to bless you!
Hello, Leah,
Thank you very much for your kind and generous comment. I really do appreciate it. It gave my a huge lift.
So far as my presidential politics, join the club. Hardly anyone agrees with me. I am way out there in the stratosphere. ;-)
Also, I am very glad that our paths have crossed and I am looking forward to our being real good friends here on HubPages.
I love your candor. Frankly, not everyone is willing to admit their shortcomings and certainly not share them in a public way. Kudos to you. That said, humility is a saving grace, as is acknowledging the power that brings peace.
Each day, as well as each moment, is an opportunity to start fresh. Stay in the moment...
Thank you for the kind fan mail.
Hello, Denise,
When it comes to "coming clean," I am still a work in progress. For many years, I internalized everything, especially when it came to talking to anyone about my character defects.
The good thing about being human is even when we make mistakes we get do-overs and the best thing about being a believer is that Jesus always forgives us because he loves us.
It took courage to write this hub. No one wants to admit their faults in public but you did a great job of 'coming clean'. I haven't always liked or agreed with what you've said but respected your right to say it. We are all works in progress feenix and if we remember that we're all in the same boat, hopefully, it won't sink! The way you compared your 'personality lapses' to that of a werewolf was original and very fitting to your purpose. I've been a fan and will continue to be! Voted up.
Hello, tillsontitan,
You haven't always liked or agreed with what I've said?
Well, join the club, my good friend. I have a way of turning off almost everybody. ;-)
Seriously, thank you very much for taking the time to read this hub, because I wrote it from my heart. And I am very glad that you are a fan, because I really do like you too.
Wayne Brown Level 8 Commenter 4 months ago
They say that solving a problem starts with recognizing the problem itself...then the solution can be designed to address the cause rather than just relieve the effects. You seem to have the objectivity for self-analysis and that is good. For all that we know in our world, sometimes we know the least or at best fail to acknowledge it, about ourselves. I started to really grow as a person when I found my own weaknesses and either changed them or came to terms with their existence. It's kind of like saying "I love you" or "I don't know" for the first time. It's difficult but much easier to do after you actually hear yourself say the words aloud just once. Your voice here on the Hub has been a strong one with some very fine messages and unique perspectives. I, for one, will be glad to see you staying here and offering more of your experiences and wisdom. WB